Sometimes in the moment wisdom brings us the awareness that we don’t understand something about someone else. It may be an action, a reaction, an opinion – maybe a habit. I would say it may be multiple times a day!  It can puzzle us, infuriate us and rarely does it amuse us. Unless it’s a toddler who wants the same story over and over and we don’t understand why not a different one. Then we might find it endearing and happily read the story again (and again). All too often, our acknowledged lack of understanding has zero effect on what we do or say next. Something seems to impel us on to challenge, to correct, to improve and try to change something external to us. We forget that each of us is right in our own mind and until insight reveals something new we stick with it. I have come to see, more clearly, the futility of speaking out of a position that lacks understanding.

Funnily enough, I don’t think any of us who are not nuclear physicists, or plumbers would listen to either one and have the thought, “I don’t understand her/his world,” and follow up by arguing or challenging from that position. So knowing that each of us is the specialist in our own reality how is it logical or sensible to do anything other than ask, listen and be open to learning more about someone else’s? What a wonderful opportunity to enjoy another’s perspective, learn more about their view of the world, regardless if you hold a different one. The exception would be if you are at some point invited to share your thoughts or give advice. And then the listening piece is priceless – but that’s a different blog!

I think that a very common blind spot involves disregarding our lack of understanding of someone else and yet ploughing on with sharing ways they can improve, change, learn and so on. Code for you are wrong and I am right!

When we think someone is ‘wrong’ we can veil our disapproval with these words and set about putting them right – with our own action, reaction or opinion. The inference is that we know better and we can put them right.

Ummm attractive, inviting, helpful……? I don’t think so.

And the truth is there are many more, possibly infinite ways available to us.

For over twenty years the best of my learning has been consistently looking toward Sydney Banks’ teachings – the Three Principles—Mind, Consciousness and Thought and watching how this simple understanding has illuminated blind spots for me and guided me in countless ways through my own direct experience. More valuable than all the unsolicited advice and ways to improve that I have encountered elsewhere.

An everyday example for me, albeit outdated now, is that I didn’t understand how my husband could have such an easy relationship with time when I always seemed to be trying to defy, outwit or ignore it. It was obvious to me that he fared better than me in relation to the ticking of the clock and had little concern about his use of time or his punctuality. He never lectured me on how to deal with my behaviour, how to master timekeeping, so that he could be freed from waiting for me so often. Bravo. This was a healthy (and wise) response to my behaviour that he clearly didn’t understand and the twist here is that neither did I. Fortunately, when I didn’t understand his impatience, feeling that this made it worse for me, I had the insight to seek his help. I explained that I already felt under time pressure and that his picking up the keys when he was ready added to it. He was pleased I told him and said he simply hadn’t understood and that in future, whilst waiting, he would sit and read his book. Win-Win!

Result: We were able to leave the house in harmony and I loved him even more for his kindness (and understanding).

I guess in summary, what I’m trying to convey is that people mostly respond positively to love, kindness, respect, open regard and acceptance.

We receive the helpful message, “I don’t understand,” which we say out loud but then forget to take any notice of. We revert to habitual responses therefore disregarding new possibilities; to question our motives, to remember what we want to achieve in the relationship or to consider the many ways in which we can enrich our lives by drawing closer through shared understanding.

There’s a great deal that I don’t understand about the world, other cultures, this society and pretty much everyone else, including those I have personal relationships with, but I do know how it feels when I am at peace and when I am not – and I consider that to be the best guide available when responding to the frequency of the thought, ‘I don’t understand.’

And guess what – I’m submitting this blog ahead of time lol!

If you would like to spend time with speakers like this in person and hear them share their wisdom and experience in a beautiful setting in Albir, Spain in November each year, you can find tickets here www.thevivaevent.com/registration